Gain & loss

Whenever I gain something, I'll be happy - that's intuitive isn't it? I used to be someone who'd worry about losing "things" I've gained, but I recently realised that I've changed. I don't really fight hard to keep what's mine anymore. In other words, I am taking things for granted to an even greater extent. 

I don't like my current self. But I don't know where/how I could start to become a better me.

I have been doing absurd things like they are inconsequential. Spending excessively because I know dad & mom would back me up. Behaving unacceptably because I can't be bothered about what strangers/people who don't matter think about me. And the list goes on... Although it's true that others' view shouldn't inhibit me from being myself, but there's a limit too, which is obviously lacking in my life. I don't give a shit about anything other than myself.

I really need to change. I'm becoming worse. I know.

Now I'm afraid to even gain anything. It's harder to maintain than to gain. Cuz it's like so many things to look after concurrently whereas you usually focus on one aspect to improve on.

Because of what I did in 2014, I know my 2015 will not be easy. It will be a year that I'll spend fixing what I destroyed the year before. I'm not sure if some things can be restored though. But here's a promise to myself that I'll try my best. Try my best to put others in front of me, to appreciate everything little thing people do for me, and to be less "I don't care about whatchu think imma do what I wanna do". The last one is gonna be hard because I am such an impulsive person I don't know if my self control can kick in in time to reign my rowdy self in. But yes, I'll try.